Hi, my name is Katie Z.
For over 5 years I’ve been navigating a triggered wound of rejection and abandonment.
Even though the original trigger happened before c*vid hit, it was amplified by the separation, judgment, and rejection that this huge political fire created in the world, in my friends, and unfortunately, in my family.
Add in my empty nest, and it became almost unbearable.
For the first time since the age of 19, I was no longer responsible for another person’s daily life. I was no longer held in love by the light my children provided just by being near.
I was no longer able to put my focus on loving someone else so deeply that I forgot my own pain.
I was left to be with myself.
Which is exactly what my wound didn’t want.
I didn’t want to have to sit with my feelings.
I didn’t want to be alone.
I didn’t want to face the excruciating pain that sat in the center of my body.
Literally. A hard knot filled my solar plexus and became increasingly noticeable.
Through this triggered wound my body communicated its pain with thyroid and adrenal issues, hormone trouble, increased migraines, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, anger and rage. I gained over 35 pounds and felt exhausted all the time.
I unconsciously tried to push away my husband. I unconsciously tried to push away and reject friends. I made no attempt to reconcile with our broken family.
As I lived through my wound, rather than my truth, I was trying to reject anyone or anything that was close so to me so that I didn’t have to feel the inevitable abandonment that would eventually sit on my doorstep.
I wanted to hide. I did hide.
Of course there were many days in between that I was able to ride the tailwind of my higher self and enjoy my life. For that I’m thankful.
But the up and down roller coaster of pain and joy was also deeply confusing and exhausting.
There was huge gaping wound in my being and I had no idea how to heal it.
Thankfully my higher consciousness did.
So I listened. Often.
I cried. I prayed.
Meditation. Journaling. Yelling. Screaming. Crying. Complaining. Breathing. Asking. Speaking my pain. Admitting my dark feelings. Accepting my own needs. Awakening to more of my shadow.
Dying. Truly, I felt like was dying.
But, I never I gave up.
I kept walking the path.
Vulnerability became my best friend. It had to. There was no way around it.
Through this process I had to admit that I need others. I had to drop my defenses and be honest with myself. I had to let others witness my shadow.
With the assistance of a powerful friend/practitioner, I finally hit the center of the wound.
I finally I saw my truth.
I realized at a very young age, I abandoned myself.
I unconsciously chose to walk away in hopes I wouldn’t have to be who I am.
I didn’t want to be me.
Wow. What a hard, ugly truth to stare in the face.
I had to accept that I didn’t want to feel all that I felt so deeply.
I had to admit that I didn’t want to see the pain in another’s eyes that I caused simply by being myself.
I didn’t want to know the things I knew at such a young age.
I didn’t have the maturity to understand and process all that I felt so I decided to abandon her.
I rejected myself.
I rejected the core of who I am and I’ve been doing it for over 40 years.
When I tried to merge with my little self, my legs shook. My body LITERALLY trembled in fear. I wanted to run away.
I cried. I made painful sounds. I covered my face as I tried to hide from the pain.
But I didn’t stop.
I consciously chose to embrace the scared, misunderstood, abandoned piece of myself. Inch by inch.
Moment by moment.
I chose to love her.
I resisted. I tried to run. Then I moved in closer.
I said no. Refused. And then stepped in closer.
Each step felt like my body was going to break open. It ached. It shook. I cried some more.
And then finally, I was able to embrace her.
I was able to feel peace in a way I can’t describe for the very first time.
All the pain I was projecting onto those closest to me flashed before me.
I saw that my wound was the illusion I was living through.
It was flavoring all of my relationships.
I was viewing others and responding to perceived threats with a fierce need to run away because that is how I was treating myself.
It didn’t take much time for me to realize that I am DEEPLY loved by many people in my life. They have unconditionally loved and LIKED all of the things that I was rejecting.
I couldn’t see and hold all of this amazing love and support when my wound was activated.
In fact, I saw it quite the opposite.
I apologized in my head profusely for things I thought I had done. Every single interaction was followed by guilt, worry and stress. I blamed them when the truth is, it was all me.
There are no words to describe the gratitude I have for my close friends and family, and most importantly, my husband. The unconditional love I received from all of them made it possible for me to see my own reflection.
I saw that I wasn’t FULLY accepting and integrating their love because I didn’t believe it.
I didn’t believe it because I couldn’t give it to myself. My walls were up. Barricades were in place and no one was able to get in there because I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, let myself in.
I realized I wasn’t lacking acceptance, belonging or unconditional love in life, but I most certainly wasn’t letting it all the way in.
This wasn’t because I didn’t trust them, it’s because I didn’t trust MYSELF.
I had to go first, and the rest followed.
I’ve been crying tears again, but these are the tears of a deep self-love, a deep opening to the love around me, and a feeling of being ok for the first time.
While this deep dive into the pain of rejection and abandonment was absolutely confusing, sad, frustrating, angering, and at times I felt like I didn’t want to live, it is also the most freeing, empowering shift I have made thus far.
I’ve most certainly worked through the many layers that finally led to this big shift many times before, and I thought I was finally done with it.
I imagine more will come because this is what I’m here to learn, but for now. I’m putting the torch down.
I’m opening up to LIVING rather than constantly fearing the life I came here to live.
I’m here to be my unique, awkward, weird, loud, fun, shy, deeply feeling self.
I am me and it’s a beautiful truth that I am finally thankful for.